I Ate a $30.70 Tin of Anchovies for Lunch – Am I an Elitist Prick?

3 Mar
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The good stuff!

Yes. I am an unabashed elitist. To quote one of my heroes, Robert Hughes:

“When I say I’m an elitist, I don’t mean I’m an elitist in the social sense. You know, I don’t believe in, you know, social snobbery or any of that stuff but I do mean simply that I’m one of that class of people who prefers well-made things to badly-made things, who prefers articulate speech to mumbling. All those kind of skills and capacities add up for me to elitism. You know, it’s a preference for the best you can do or get.”

Today I embraced this approach to life and splurged $30.70 on a tin of salted fucking fish.

My justification? I like anchovies. Expensive anchovies must be better than cheap ones right? Fucking oath I’m right!

These little fuckers provided me with the best food experience I have ever had. They are hand selected (the biggest), hand filleted and hand packed in Spain.

To enjoy this delicacy I made some Sonoma spelt sourdough toast and soft boiled eggs, with the delicious fishy treat draped across the top.

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Captioning this photo is making me moist.

Most people aren’t so keen on anchovies. When asked why? they say things like: “they’re furry”, “they’re too fishy” or “they smell”. This is because you eat shit anchovies. These anchovies tasted like anchovies but were less salty, more meaty, smoother and more subtle than anything I’ve ever had.

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Myyy prreeciiouuusss!

This was the nicest thing I have ever eaten. I put this up there with delicacies of the world like truffles, caviar, tuna belly, sauternes and foie gras.

It may seem obscene to spend this much on anchovies, but I consider it a bargain especially when my total lunch cost today would have been $35 and this is the comparable to these abhorations of humanity: http://www.hogsbreath.com.au/main-menu/our-menu/prime-rib-steak

Go out an buy these! You can get them at Simon Johnson: http://www.simonjohnson.com.au/store/Default.aspx?CN=CATEGORY&CA=07

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Product Review: Hell’s Inferno Naga Bhut Jolokia Sauce

15 Feb
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The last time I heard this many bullshit claims, I was having a conversation with Chop about being straight-edge!

I’ve had this sauce lurking around at home for a little while, so as I approach the end of my Hell Week, I deemed it an appropriate sauce to finish with.

The sauce makes some big claims on the bottle: “1,000,000 scoville units”, “4 times hotter than habanero”, “no comparison”. These are all complete porky pies – it certainly is not 1,000,000 scoville units. To put this into context pepper spray starts at 2,000,000 scovilles.

The heat with this sauce isn’t too bad at all, in the mouth and throat, but as it festers in your guts it warms up quite a lot. Upon exit there is also some significant heat.

Despite not living up to it’s promises, it is still an extremely hot sauce considering it uses only natural ingredients (no extract). It is made up of ghost chillies (naga bhut jolokia) combined with chocolate and red habanero. This gives it a great naturally fruity flavour. In other words it tastes like sauce made from chillies!

This one is great used as a sauce on anything, but I think it would also do well to be used in cooking eg soups, pasta sauce, pizza etc.

Heat Rating – 7.5/10

Taste Rating – 7/10

Ring Sting – 4/10

Pros – Natural flavour of the raw chilli ingredients

Cons – Over exaggerated claims on bottle

Price – $20

Purchased from – Chilemojo (www.chilemojo.com.au)

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Product Review: Ass Gas Habanero Sauce

14 Feb
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You know your flat-brim is totally rad when you blow mushroom clouds out your arse.

Happy valentines day everyone! I sincerely hope everyone is treating their loved ones well today.

My bum has to put up with a lot of shit. You would think on valentines day I could give it a break. Nup. I’m a complete arsehole who revels in the power of our abusive relationship.

It was with this in mind that I sampled this Ass Gas sauce.

The first thing that hits you is the graphics. Aren’t they great?!?!?! The pain on the moron’s face, as he disintegrates the seat of his pants with noxious gas – Gold!

The sauce tastes great. It tastes like ultra-concentrated vegetable soup, probably due to the addition of carrots. This gives the sauce an unoffensive natural sweetness. Other notable flavours are vinegar (quite strong vinegar flavour) and the flavour of the chilli (red habanero and scotch bonnet – two of my favs).

The heat is sharp and prickly in the mouth and eases to a toasty burn through the throat – ooooh yeah.

Ass Gas is one of the best I’ve had, however it won’t be getting The Burning Anus Award because the flavour is not quite as unique as the jerk sauce I sampled yesterday.

Heat Rating – 6/10

Taste Rating – 7/10

Ring Sting – 1/10

Pros – Balanced heat, strong flavour

Cons – Nothing unique about flavour

Price – gift

Purchased from – Chilemojo (www.chilemojo.com.au)

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Product Review: Walkerswood – Las’ Lick Jerk Sauce

13 Feb
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Even though my left hand is broken I can still have a ‘hot & spicy’ jerk with my right!

I’m a huge fan of Walkerswood products as evidenced by my review of their Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce. So when i saw this, on the shelf at The Blackwattle Deli, I snatched it with my one working hand.

This is a Jamaican jerk sauce. Jerk spice are mainly characterised by the use of allspice and scotch bonnet chillies. They also generally contain a mix of cloves, cinnamon, scallions, nutmeg, thyme, garlic, and salt. This sauce contains all these things, however to turn it from a spice mix to a sauce they have added some tomatoes, vinegar and thickeners.

This unique mix of spice creates an earthy exotic flavour. It kind of tastes like a spicy, thick Worcestershire sauce, but with a hint of potpourri. This is the type of sauce you use to transform the flavour of something shit, rather than enhance the natural flavours. For instance on a plain piece of chicken or fish.

I loved this one. It isn’t very hot, but there is enough heat there to be interesting. The flavour is really unique. I think everyone should have ago of this one!

So far this is winning the Burning Anus Award for this week.

Heat Rating – 2.5/10

Taste Rating – 8.25/10

Ring Sting – 0/10

Pros – Dark and exotic flavour, enables ‘jerk’ gags, cheap

Cons – could be hotter

Price – $6.5

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli (www.blackwattledeli.com.au)

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Product Review: Ass Kickin Roasted Green Chile Tequila Salsa

12 Feb
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Ass Kicking Salsa – kicks arse!

I am yet to see a ‘Donkey Show’ but if they are as stimulating as this salsa – I can’t wait!

I got giving this salsa for Christmas, from The King of Beers, a generous gift indeed. I had been saving it for a special occasion, and seeing as this is my hell fire week, I thought – why not now??

It is an amazingly fresh tasting salsa. Nothing like your standard supermarket varieties. It contains fire roasted green chilli, habanero, tomato and a hint of tequila! The flavour is actually quite close to that of a bloody mary, but more chunky and fruity.

It was nicely hot. Not ‘ass kicking’ on the way in, or on the way out, but warm nonetheless.

Obviously this goes well with mexican food, but also try it on grilled veggies or even ratatouille.

Heat Rating – 4/10

Taste Rating – 7/10

Ring Sting – 0/10

Pros – Unique fresh taste, nice kick, enabled me to pull a ‘donkey’ gag

Cons – could be hotter and saltier

Price – gift

Purchased from – Chilemojo (www.chilemojo.com.au)

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Product Review: The Other Chef – Smoky Habasco Sauce

11 Feb
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My crippled mitt presenting the sauce. Take note of the chilli coloured strapping! – Commitment.

Towards the end of last week I managed to break my hand, in the mosh-pit, at a punk rock show.

I have come to the conclusion that this injury was directly caused by not eating enough chilli. So to ensure my pussy hand bones don’t break again, I am going to bombard my pathetically fragile body with copious amounts of chilli!

As I can’t lift weights, my aim this week is to produce one product review every day. I apologise to Ed and Paul – who I am house sitting for – in advance for eminent bowl destruction.

It was with this intention that I ventured into my favourite Sydney chilli supplier – The Blackwattle Deli – where I purchased an array of produce, including this sauce.

I love Aussie sauces and I immediately knew this was a local due to its boring label and unimaginative bottle. As with picking up Thai girls in Bangkok, sometime a wonderful surprise can hide beneath a deceptive exterior.

The sauce gets its heat from habanero and red chilli, with these making up 20% and 10% of the volume respectively. Other ingredients include tomato juice, vinegar, paprika. It has a great consistency and smooth mouth feel. The flavour is very smokey and tomatoey. The heat comes on quickly and is a nice back-of-the-throat type heat.

This sauce has been awarded a silver medal a the Sydney Royal Show in 2011. I don’t know what the criteria or categories are, so I don’t trust this award. Instead I’ll give this my own award. I hereby present The Other Chef’s Smoky Habasco Sauce the Golden Anus award for the nicest sauce I have tried so far this week (please note that it is only Monday).

In all seriousness though, this is an exceptional sauce. I would recommend it to anyone who is bored of Tabasco and Cholula. It would go well with anything, but I suggest the watery consistency would best suit poached eggs.

Heat Rating – 5/10

Taste Rating – 8/10

Ring Sting – 2/10

Pros – Tastes delish, made in Port Macquarie, respectable heat

Cons – Presentation is a bit boring and doesn’t do it justice

Price – $12

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli at The Fish Markets (http://www.blackwattledeli.com.au/)

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Product Review: Walkerswood Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce

5 Feb
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Horns up to you Walkerswood! Get inside me like The Devil!

So far – on my Chilligasm quest – I have sampled a wide range of condiments. Mostly I have focused on extremely hot sauces, however with my recent bout of gut hurt, I am temporarily shifting focus to flavour. This sauce from Walkerswood fits perfectly into this category.

The sauce is a light yellowy colour. As The King of Beers would say “it looks like Indian diarrhea”. It derives this colour from the Jamaican Scotch Bonnet Chilli. The seeds are clearly visible in the sauce. This is always a great sign as it indicates the sauce is probably made from raw ingredients rather than extracts and other fake bullshit.

The flavour with this sauce was incredible. It had habanero fruitiness, but much less intense and more balanced. It is salty and sweet. Sour and hot. This balance is what makes it such an awesome sauce.

At no point do you think “fuck me, this shit too hot” or “shit the bed, this homeboy too salty”. All the flavours and characteristics are in perfect harmony.

I can suggest this sauce for any dish. I would particularly recommend it for eggs.

So what from here? This is the plan:

1) Stop fucking around on Facebook trying to creep members of the opposite sex

2) Go to this website: http://www.windiestrading.com/products-page/walkerswood/walkerswood-scotch-bonnet-sauce-150ml/

3) Buy this sauce

4) Apply to your shitty eggs

5) Live the dream

Heat Rating – 5/10

Taste Rating – 9/10

Ring Sting – 1/10

Pros – Tastes amazing!!!!

Cons – I consumed the whole bottle in 3 meals

Price – $6ish

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli at The Fish Markets (http://www.blackwattledeli.com.au/) but also from the link provided above

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Product Review: CaJohns Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Puree

30 Jan
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My arse! The quick-eze do nothing!

This homie is the culprit for my recent hiatus.

CaJohns Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Puree didn’t just blown my arse to pieces like a shot from a WWII rifle, it also left me with intense and lasting gut pain like I had coped the pointy end of a bayonet. Essentially I recieve the old one-two: a bullet up the bum and a stab in the guts.

This isn’t really a sauce. It is simply pureed Moruga Scorpion chilli. This is the worlds hottest chilli (certified by Guiness Book of Records) rated at 1.4m scoville units (560 times hotter than tabasco!!!!!).

I knew it would hurt my gut so I took some quick-eze with me as a preemptive measure. It did nothing.

The taste is quite nice. Almost sickeningly sweet and not very savoury at all. Then the heat. Oh baby. It is immediate and brutal.

Eat mouthful felt like my mouth and throat had chlamydia, such was the intense razor blade burn.

Afterwards I was sweating and panting. The gut ache lasted about 3 hours and the for 10 days after I got a sore gut any time I ate anything dense or spicey.

My mate Adam sampled the puree and reported being doubled over with stomach pain.

This is a fucking serious sauce. Don’t muck around with this!

Reserve your use of this sauce for playing pranks on loved ones and inducing stomach cramps for days off work.

Heat Rating – 9/10

Taste Rating – 4/10

Ring Sting – 8.5/10

Pros – Funny how much this rattles you

Cons – Gut pain, too fruity

Price – $20

Purchased from – http://www.chilemojo.com.au

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Restaurant Review: Chairman Mao Chinese Restaurant

29 Jan

With Prue’s parents (Andrew and Kaye) in town for a night we needed a solid restaurant to impress them with. A few days earlier Prue had seen Neil Perry’s favourite restaurant in a book as being Chairman Mao’s, with his comment being ‘not for the faint hearted’. I was in!

We arrived at the nondescript venue on Anzac Parade in Kensington and were promptly seated. It was then that I came across my only gripe for the whole evening – I couldn’t fit my knees under the table. This wasn’t just due to my length, there was literally less gap than between Oprah’s thighs. It was like sitting in front of a big block!

The best thing about eating at Asian places is they understand you aren’t there for a haircut. They get stuck straight into the business of feeding you. True to form, the waitress promptly brought us out some delightful pickled celery, with chilli. There was no warning about the heat of this dish, but it had a nice little kick, enough to make me moist at the prospect of further burn!

The highlight for me was the dish recommended by Neil Perry: Cumin Lamb with Chilli. This was a stir fry with thinly sliced lamb in a light and cumin-ey sauce. There was some great heat with this dish. Nothing offensive but definitely there.

We also had a beef and green chilli dish. This was literally a bowl filled with thinly stir fried beef and whole green chillies. It was a great dish with moderate heat, but the huge amount of chillies were slightly bitter and out of proportion to the quantity of beef. This was solid dish.

The chilli prawns were amazing. Sweet and succulent with a great warmth.

We ordered some green beans, pancake and fried rice which were all great as well.

Before we left I had a chat with the bossman. He was a legend and told me that if I come back, he will make me a special dish that is hotter than anything on the menu. Comrade, I think I’ll take you up on that offer!

Pro’s: Best Chinese food I’ve had, Cumin Lamb, prompt service, ring-sting of 8/10 the next day!

Con’s: Knees didn’t fit under desk, Communists

Rating: 8/10

To book: 02 9697 9189

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The mandatory Tsingtao (I can never bloody pronounce that, and always look like an ignorant white fuck, pointing rudely at the menu) and the pickled celery.

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Beef with green chillies and the shallot pancake. Both great dishes.

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This was probably my second favourite dish. Stir fried beans with chilli and shallot.

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Prawny goodness! These were very nice!

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Hiatus

26 Jan

Alright, so I’ve been a massive soft cock this week.

After some ‘incidents’ with extremely hot sauces, about 10 days ago, I have been suffering severe stomach pain. Due to this, I’ve been on a self imposed chilli ban, for a week.

My theory is that due to constant extreme exposure to capsaicin (the hot stuff in chilli) I gave myself IBS. Basically I would feel fine but if I ate anything chilli, high fibre or acidic, I would get immediate and lasting stomach pain.

However, it’s time to stop being a fucking sook. There is too much hot shit to get through, to be sitting round feeling sorry for myself.

On a side note, this hiatus gave me the chance to focus on some other culinary pursuits. I made my first batch of biltong. If you don’t know what this is, then you are not my friend. The first batch was too salty. I used fine grained salt in the cure, but will use rock next time. Look out for some Ghost Chilli biltong in the future!

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Have I mentioned I’m now going by the name ‘The Biltong King’???

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