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I Ate a $30.70 Tin of Anchovies for Lunch – Am I an Elitist Prick?

3 Mar
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The good stuff!

Yes. I am an unabashed elitist. To quote one of my heroes, Robert Hughes:

“When I say I’m an elitist, I don’t mean I’m an elitist in the social sense. You know, I don’t believe in, you know, social snobbery or any of that stuff but I do mean simply that I’m one of that class of people who prefers well-made things to badly-made things, who prefers articulate speech to mumbling. All those kind of skills and capacities add up for me to elitism. You know, it’s a preference for the best you can do or get.”

Today I embraced this approach to life and splurged $30.70 on a tin of salted fucking fish.

My justification? I like anchovies. Expensive anchovies must be better than cheap ones right? Fucking oath I’m right!

These little fuckers provided me with the best food experience I have ever had. They are hand selected (the biggest), hand filleted and hand packed in Spain.

To enjoy this delicacy I made some Sonoma spelt sourdough toast and soft boiled eggs, with the delicious fishy treat draped across the top.

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Captioning this photo is making me moist.

Most people aren’t so keen on anchovies. When asked why? they say things like: “they’re furry”, “they’re too fishy” or “they smell”. This is because you eat shit anchovies. These anchovies tasted like anchovies but were less salty, more meaty, smoother and more subtle than anything I’ve ever had.

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Myyy prreeciiouuusss!

This was the nicest thing I have ever eaten. I put this up there with delicacies of the world like truffles, caviar, tuna belly, sauternes and foie gras.

It may seem obscene to spend this much on anchovies, but I consider it a bargain especially when my total lunch cost today would have been $35 and this is the comparable to these abhorations of humanity: http://www.hogsbreath.com.au/main-menu/our-menu/prime-rib-steak

Go out an buy these! You can get them at Simon Johnson: http://www.simonjohnson.com.au/store/Default.aspx?CN=CATEGORY&CA=07

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Product Review: Hell’s Inferno Naga Bhut Jolokia Sauce

15 Feb
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The last time I heard this many bullshit claims, I was having a conversation with Chop about being straight-edge!

I’ve had this sauce lurking around at home for a little while, so as I approach the end of my Hell Week, I deemed it an appropriate sauce to finish with.

The sauce makes some big claims on the bottle: “1,000,000 scoville units”, “4 times hotter than habanero”, “no comparison”. These are all complete porky pies – it certainly is not 1,000,000 scoville units. To put this into context pepper spray starts at 2,000,000 scovilles.

The heat with this sauce isn’t too bad at all, in the mouth and throat, but as it festers in your guts it warms up quite a lot. Upon exit there is also some significant heat.

Despite not living up to it’s promises, it is still an extremely hot sauce considering it uses only natural ingredients (no extract). It is made up of ghost chillies (naga bhut jolokia) combined with chocolate and red habanero. This gives it a great naturally fruity flavour. In other words it tastes like sauce made from chillies!

This one is great used as a sauce on anything, but I think it would also do well to be used in cooking eg soups, pasta sauce, pizza etc.

Heat Rating – 7.5/10

Taste Rating – 7/10

Ring Sting – 4/10

Pros – Natural flavour of the raw chilli ingredients

Cons – Over exaggerated claims on bottle

Price – $20

Purchased from – Chilemojo (www.chilemojo.com.au)

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Product Review: Ass Gas Habanero Sauce

14 Feb
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You know your flat-brim is totally rad when you blow mushroom clouds out your arse.

Happy valentines day everyone! I sincerely hope everyone is treating their loved ones well today.

My bum has to put up with a lot of shit. You would think on valentines day I could give it a break. Nup. I’m a complete arsehole who revels in the power of our abusive relationship.

It was with this in mind that I sampled this Ass Gas sauce.

The first thing that hits you is the graphics. Aren’t they great?!?!?! The pain on the moron’s face, as he disintegrates the seat of his pants with noxious gas – Gold!

The sauce tastes great. It tastes like ultra-concentrated vegetable soup, probably due to the addition of carrots. This gives the sauce an unoffensive natural sweetness. Other notable flavours are vinegar (quite strong vinegar flavour) and the flavour of the chilli (red habanero and scotch bonnet – two of my favs).

The heat is sharp and prickly in the mouth and eases to a toasty burn through the throat – ooooh yeah.

Ass Gas is one of the best I’ve had, however it won’t be getting The Burning Anus Award because the flavour is not quite as unique as the jerk sauce I sampled yesterday.

Heat Rating – 6/10

Taste Rating – 7/10

Ring Sting – 1/10

Pros – Balanced heat, strong flavour

Cons – Nothing unique about flavour

Price – gift

Purchased from – Chilemojo (www.chilemojo.com.au)

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Product Review: Walkerswood – Las’ Lick Jerk Sauce

13 Feb
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Even though my left hand is broken I can still have a ‘hot & spicy’ jerk with my right!

I’m a huge fan of Walkerswood products as evidenced by my review of their Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce. So when i saw this, on the shelf at The Blackwattle Deli, I snatched it with my one working hand.

This is a Jamaican jerk sauce. Jerk spice are mainly characterised by the use of allspice and scotch bonnet chillies. They also generally contain a mix of cloves, cinnamon, scallions, nutmeg, thyme, garlic, and salt. This sauce contains all these things, however to turn it from a spice mix to a sauce they have added some tomatoes, vinegar and thickeners.

This unique mix of spice creates an earthy exotic flavour. It kind of tastes like a spicy, thick Worcestershire sauce, but with a hint of potpourri. This is the type of sauce you use to transform the flavour of something shit, rather than enhance the natural flavours. For instance on a plain piece of chicken or fish.

I loved this one. It isn’t very hot, but there is enough heat there to be interesting. The flavour is really unique. I think everyone should have ago of this one!

So far this is winning the Burning Anus Award for this week.

Heat Rating – 2.5/10

Taste Rating – 8.25/10

Ring Sting – 0/10

Pros – Dark and exotic flavour, enables ‘jerk’ gags, cheap

Cons – could be hotter

Price – $6.5

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli (www.blackwattledeli.com.au)

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Product Review: Ass Kickin Roasted Green Chile Tequila Salsa

12 Feb
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Ass Kicking Salsa – kicks arse!

I am yet to see a ‘Donkey Show’ but if they are as stimulating as this salsa – I can’t wait!

I got giving this salsa for Christmas, from The King of Beers, a generous gift indeed. I had been saving it for a special occasion, and seeing as this is my hell fire week, I thought – why not now??

It is an amazingly fresh tasting salsa. Nothing like your standard supermarket varieties. It contains fire roasted green chilli, habanero, tomato and a hint of tequila! The flavour is actually quite close to that of a bloody mary, but more chunky and fruity.

It was nicely hot. Not ‘ass kicking’ on the way in, or on the way out, but warm nonetheless.

Obviously this goes well with mexican food, but also try it on grilled veggies or even ratatouille.

Heat Rating – 4/10

Taste Rating – 7/10

Ring Sting – 0/10

Pros – Unique fresh taste, nice kick, enabled me to pull a ‘donkey’ gag

Cons – could be hotter and saltier

Price – gift

Purchased from – Chilemojo (www.chilemojo.com.au)

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Product Review: The Other Chef – Smoky Habasco Sauce

11 Feb
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My crippled mitt presenting the sauce. Take note of the chilli coloured strapping! – Commitment.

Towards the end of last week I managed to break my hand, in the mosh-pit, at a punk rock show.

I have come to the conclusion that this injury was directly caused by not eating enough chilli. So to ensure my pussy hand bones don’t break again, I am going to bombard my pathetically fragile body with copious amounts of chilli!

As I can’t lift weights, my aim this week is to produce one product review every day. I apologise to Ed and Paul – who I am house sitting for – in advance for eminent bowl destruction.

It was with this intention that I ventured into my favourite Sydney chilli supplier – The Blackwattle Deli – where I purchased an array of produce, including this sauce.

I love Aussie sauces and I immediately knew this was a local due to its boring label and unimaginative bottle. As with picking up Thai girls in Bangkok, sometime a wonderful surprise can hide beneath a deceptive exterior.

The sauce gets its heat from habanero and red chilli, with these making up 20% and 10% of the volume respectively. Other ingredients include tomato juice, vinegar, paprika. It has a great consistency and smooth mouth feel. The flavour is very smokey and tomatoey. The heat comes on quickly and is a nice back-of-the-throat type heat.

This sauce has been awarded a silver medal a the Sydney Royal Show in 2011. I don’t know what the criteria or categories are, so I don’t trust this award. Instead I’ll give this my own award. I hereby present The Other Chef’s Smoky Habasco Sauce the Golden Anus award for the nicest sauce I have tried so far this week (please note that it is only Monday).

In all seriousness though, this is an exceptional sauce. I would recommend it to anyone who is bored of Tabasco and Cholula. It would go well with anything, but I suggest the watery consistency would best suit poached eggs.

Heat Rating – 5/10

Taste Rating – 8/10

Ring Sting – 2/10

Pros – Tastes delish, made in Port Macquarie, respectable heat

Cons – Presentation is a bit boring and doesn’t do it justice

Price – $12

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli at The Fish Markets (http://www.blackwattledeli.com.au/)

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Product Review: Walkerswood Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce

5 Feb
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Horns up to you Walkerswood! Get inside me like The Devil!

So far – on my Chilligasm quest – I have sampled a wide range of condiments. Mostly I have focused on extremely hot sauces, however with my recent bout of gut hurt, I am temporarily shifting focus to flavour. This sauce from Walkerswood fits perfectly into this category.

The sauce is a light yellowy colour. As The King of Beers would say “it looks like Indian diarrhea”. It derives this colour from the Jamaican Scotch Bonnet Chilli. The seeds are clearly visible in the sauce. This is always a great sign as it indicates the sauce is probably made from raw ingredients rather than extracts and other fake bullshit.

The flavour with this sauce was incredible. It had habanero fruitiness, but much less intense and more balanced. It is salty and sweet. Sour and hot. This balance is what makes it such an awesome sauce.

At no point do you think “fuck me, this shit too hot” or “shit the bed, this homeboy too salty”. All the flavours and characteristics are in perfect harmony.

I can suggest this sauce for any dish. I would particularly recommend it for eggs.

So what from here? This is the plan:

1) Stop fucking around on Facebook trying to creep members of the opposite sex

2) Go to this website: http://www.windiestrading.com/products-page/walkerswood/walkerswood-scotch-bonnet-sauce-150ml/

3) Buy this sauce

4) Apply to your shitty eggs

5) Live the dream

Heat Rating – 5/10

Taste Rating – 9/10

Ring Sting – 1/10

Pros – Tastes amazing!!!!

Cons – I consumed the whole bottle in 3 meals

Price – $6ish

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli at The Fish Markets (http://www.blackwattledeli.com.au/) but also from the link provided above

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Product Review: CaJohns Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Puree

30 Jan
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My arse! The quick-eze do nothing!

This homie is the culprit for my recent hiatus.

CaJohns Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Puree didn’t just blown my arse to pieces like a shot from a WWII rifle, it also left me with intense and lasting gut pain like I had coped the pointy end of a bayonet. Essentially I recieve the old one-two: a bullet up the bum and a stab in the guts.

This isn’t really a sauce. It is simply pureed Moruga Scorpion chilli. This is the worlds hottest chilli (certified by Guiness Book of Records) rated at 1.4m scoville units (560 times hotter than tabasco!!!!!).

I knew it would hurt my gut so I took some quick-eze with me as a preemptive measure. It did nothing.

The taste is quite nice. Almost sickeningly sweet and not very savoury at all. Then the heat. Oh baby. It is immediate and brutal.

Eat mouthful felt like my mouth and throat had chlamydia, such was the intense razor blade burn.

Afterwards I was sweating and panting. The gut ache lasted about 3 hours and the for 10 days after I got a sore gut any time I ate anything dense or spicey.

My mate Adam sampled the puree and reported being doubled over with stomach pain.

This is a fucking serious sauce. Don’t muck around with this!

Reserve your use of this sauce for playing pranks on loved ones and inducing stomach cramps for days off work.

Heat Rating – 9/10

Taste Rating – 4/10

Ring Sting – 8.5/10

Pros – Funny how much this rattles you

Cons – Gut pain, too fruity

Price – $20

Purchased from – http://www.chilemojo.com.au

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Product Review: Desert Pepper Habanero Salsa

18 Jan
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Shits on supermarket salsa.

Whilst on a chilli buying rampage – at Blackwattle Deli (Sydney Fishmarkets) – I picked up a jar of this salsa for $5 from a bargain bin!!!! What an absolute bargain. In hindsight I didn’t check the best before, but it didn’t make my guts any worse than they already are, so happy days.

The Desert Pepper website describes the salsa as:

“Sell your soul and steel your taste-buds for a red-hot descent into the fiery pit of flavor.  It’s an unholy alliance of tropical habaneros and molten jalapenos that’s hotter than Hades, and viciously delicious.  Feel the burn.  Because you know you’re a glutton for punishment, and this salsa will leave you begging for more.”

Their analysis of their own product is half right and half wrong. While the salsa did “steel my tastebuds” and is “viciously delicious”, it certainly does not deliver on its satanic promises of a “descent into the fiery pit”.

It is a very fruity and tomatoey salsa with lots of big fresh chunks of stuff. This is the perfect salsa to replace supermarket rubbish like Doritos or Old El Paso salsa.

There is enough heat there to be interesting but its nothing crazy.

Other than the lack of heat, I also thought the salsa wasn’t salty enough. This could play into its favour though when paired with mega salty foods like chips or tacos.

This one is well worth the buy, especially if you can get it for 5 bucks!!!

Heat Rating – 2/10

Taste Rating – 7.5/10

Ring Sting – 0/10

Pros – Fresh, fruity

Cons – Lack of heat, not salty enough

Price – $5

Purchased from – Blackwattle Deli at the Sydney Fishmarkets

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Product Review: Mad Dog 357 – 357,000 Scoville Hot Sauce

15 Jan
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Yuck!

This sauce tastes like shit. But – fuck me – she strong!

I’d heard about this bad boy being hot, so I bought a little bottle to try. I only went for the small size as I knew this sauce contained extract, which can lead to unpleasant taste.

I took the thermonuclear vessel into work, to enjoy with my meat and veg. Turned out I was working with my buddy – Kilby (as featured in previous Tassie posts). He is a brave man and despite having a relatively limited exposure to extreme heat, he decided to join me in a world of burn!

We probably ingested about a teaspoon each with our food, and we were both in trouble. Firstly it tastes like arse crack. A very fake, bitter, chemical flavour that overwhelms whatever you put it with. The heat is immediate and intense. A very sharp and even heat. Somehow I got some in my throat and it made me gag.

This sauce is not recommended for anyone. It’s hot and doesn’t taste good. I can name some sauces equally as hot that taste nice, so don’t bother with this one.

Despite the sweat and tears, we had a ball. Below are some photos that document the fun we had.

Heat Rating – 8.5/10

Taste Rating – 1/10

Ring Sting – 7.5/10

Pros – Very hot

Cons – Use of extract, bad flavour

Price – $10

Purchased from – http://www.chilemojo.com.au

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Disclaimer on bottle. Neglects to inform the consumer about the taste of bum.

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Rest of disclaimer.

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Kilby drawing in the big ones!

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